Won't Back Down
by becsmileyface
Summary: Commander Lane Shepard was never one to back down, but this seems like a new world. Working with the enemy, gathering a team of unknowns, and overcoming her own death. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. ME2 story.
1. Chapter 1

So guys, first of all I haven't forgotten about _Call to Arms _or _Closer to the Edge. _I've just been so busy with classes and everything that I've gotten off track with them, but have no fear I'm back to working on them:) Anyway, I just recently got into Mass Effect, which is also a contributing factor to why I haven't updated in a while. And let me just say, I LOVE IT! I may even enjoy the series more than Dragon Age, but I'm not sure. Anyway, ideas started running through my mind instantly, so I thought I'd give it a shot. So lemme know what you think, honestly. Hope you like it! And that you continue reading what I've already got. (The letter thing will be explained later, promise.)

Chapter 1: Death

"Please, Garrus, you're so full of crap!" Lane Shepard exclaimed with one eyebrow raised.

"Are you calling me a liar, human?" Garrus offered with a huff. Even through the vidcom Shepard could see that sideways smirk of his.

Shepard smiled and crossed her arms, sticking her hip out defiantly, "That's exactly what I'm calling you."

"I don't think even the big bad Commander Shepard could handle Spectre training nowadays with how squishy and soft you are."

"If you recall, my forgetful turian friend, I didn't really have any official training. I earned it and was called upon in a time of need. So, it looks like you are the one they think is squishy and soft and in need of training."

Garrus shook his head and chuckled, his eyes focusing on whatever was in front of him at his end. "How's it going out there?"

Shepard let out a heavy sigh, "Boring. This is a waste of time. The geth aren't the real threat… The Reapers are."

Garrus looked back up, his face serious, "You know that, and I know that… But-"

"But nothing, Garrus. There is no excuse." Shepard started to pace, being cooped up on the Normandy not looking for the real threat was eating away at her.

"I know they're a bunch of hard headed politicians but maybe they'll come around, Shepard."

Shepard huffed, "Yea, when the Reapers are on our doorstep knocking to come in… Or rather blowing it all to h-e-double-hockey-sticks." Lane let her eyes drift away, staring at the floor but not really seeing it. Sure, she had stopped Saren and Sovereign, but that wasn't enough. The Commander knew she had only put off the inevitable, the Reapers were coming and no one was prepared.

"What's wrong, Lanie?" Garrus asked.

Shepard shook her head, ignoring the flutter in her stomach at the sound of her nickname on his tongue, "It's just… We're not ready. I can't image fighting more than one Reaper. And no one has any idea how many there are. If we wait around for the Council to wise up it may be too late."

oOo

Garrus stared at her, wishing he was really there with her. He hated not being on the Normandy, but he made a promise to her that he would train to be a Spectre and keep an eye on things for her at the Citadel. He hated being there, but if Garrus was being completely honest, what he really hated was being away from Shepard. They had been through a lot, and he respected her more than anyone else in the galaxy. The true respect of a turian was a hard thing to gain alone, but the friendship? That took time and Shepard was the best friend he had ever had. She was so unlike anyone else. She was tough, witty, unyielding, respectful, reassuring, warm… Garrus could go on forever, but right now, his friend was frustrated and he wanted to help. He searched his mind, trying to find the right words to say. He was never good at this stuff, "Shepard, I kno-"

White light flooded the vidcom image of Shepard, when it faded, Shepard was getting up off the ground, yelling and looking around but the sound was gone.

"Shepard! What the hell was that!" Garrus yelled, standing at attention, a sudden panic rising in his chest.

Shepard looked around then back to Garrus, she started saying something but he couldn't hear her.

"Lanie! I can't hear you!" Another explosion of light blasted her image. When it faded, Shepard was stumbling to her feet, a cut at her right eyebrow. She looked back at Garrus and started to say something, but she was cut off. Her image was gone.

"Shepard!" Garrus yelled again, the panic in his chest making his heart beat fast, "Lanie! Lanie!"

oOo

Shepard leaned over the console, "Garrus!" It was too late, the connection was gone and she needed to move.

"Joker, what the H was that?" Shepard asked into her omni-tool as she pried the vidcom room doors open.

"Unknown ship just shot the shit out of the Normandy! Cut through her like butter!" Joker responded breathlessly.

"Unknown? It's not the geth?" Shepard was running to get her helmet and send a distress beacon.

"No, not a Reaper either… I've never seen a ship like it, but the Normandy's barely moving!"

"Understood."

Fires and explosions were happening all around Shepard as she ran for the distress beacon. Members of the crew were scattered about, either running for escape pods or lying dead on the floor. By the time she reached her helmet and sent out the distress call, she was sure this entire ship was about to fall apart.

"Shepard!" A panicked voice called out from behind.

After Shepard sent the beacon she picked up a fire extinguisher and started working on the fire closest to her. Liara was breathing heavily through her helmet.

"Shepard! Are you alright?" Liara panted.

"I'm fine, Liara. Get everyone to the escape shuttles."

"Will the Alliance be here in time?"

"I ain't doing this so they can find our frozen corpses. Now go."

"Joker won't leave the cockpit, and I'm not leaving either." Liara's voice was definite, but Shepard had no time for it. The professor needed to make it out alive, her knowledge was invaluable.

Shepard gave up on the fire she was trying to put out, the ship continued to shake and explode all around them. She huffed and chucked the hydrant in annoyance, "I'll take care of Joker, now get to an evac shuttle."

"I'm not leaving you-"

"Liara, now!" Shepard began to sprint toward the cockpit, giving a slight push on Liara as she passed.

Shepard looked back and yelled over her shoulder when she saw Liara wasn't moving, "Move your blue A now, asari!"

Lane ran as fast as she could, hearing Joker call for help over the com. Shepard had lied to Liara about the Alliance. The beacon was sent, but there was no way they would get here in time to save the Normandy. The ship was lost, she had accepted that. The hard part would be convincing Joker. As Shepard walked out into the completely spaced part of the Normandy, all she could hear was her own breaths. It was peaceful, despite the chaos surrounding her. A few bodies were floating in the air, along with parts of the ship. She could see Joker in the cockpit, still trying to fly a ship that was already lost. She passed through the shield protecting him and immediately began yelling.

"I didn't know brittle bone disease affected you brain as well making you stupid. What the H are you doing! The Normandy is going down!"

"I can still save her, Commander!" Joker pleaded, his hands moving fast as tried to fly the broken ship.

"The Normandy is lost! Going down with the ship won't change that!"

Lane watched in silence as the realization hit him, he conceded with a nod. Panic flashed in his green eyes, "Oh shit! They're coming around for another attack!"

Shepard pulled him up roughly, effectively breaking his arm.

"Ow! Watch the arm!" Joker whined.

Joker huffed as Shepard pulled him toward the life pod, she practically threw him in as another shot was fired on the Normandy. Shepard stumbled back from the pod. The third consecutive shot sent her flying against a wall, pushing her far away from the shuttle.

"Commander! Shepard!" Joker called, but it was too late.

Shepard hit the launch button at the last second, sending Joker flying away. She watched as the ship broke apart around her, floating through space. Suddenly it exploded, knocking her into a piece of it. The back of her head hit hard, and she felt her suit rupture. She began to panic, breathing in heavily as her heart rate rose. She looked around, the life pods where getting away, and the ship that attacked seem to pay them no attention. She closed her eyes, attempting to calm herself. The crew was safe and that was all that mattered. A face flashed across the blackness offering her comfort. A metallic voice sounded in her head, softly calling out to her, 'Lanie'.

"Garrus…" She whispered weakly as she took in a last breath.


	2. Chapter 2

Bec Note: Hope you guys know the song or I'll be sad!

Chapter 2: Those Left Behind

Garrus pushed play again. He had lost track of how many times he had listened to it, but he didn't care. It was purely her. It sounded like her, felt like her… He could even hear her voice in it. She sang all the time, and truthfully she wasn't that bad, a little pitchy at times, but not horrible. It was all he had left of her: a silly little song from Earth that she had once called her favorite. The funeral was in an hour, and Garrus didn't want to go. Going meant this was real, it meant she was gone and that was something Garrus didn't want to face.

He was angry. Angry at her. Angry at the ship that attacked them. Angry at the Normandy for being so easily destroyed. Garrus was just angry. But anger was better than sadness, or depression. He wasn't sure how worse Joker could get. He blamed himself, as well as a whole lot of other people did. Garrus didn't. He knew better. Shepard would have done what she did had it been Joker, or Liara, or any other crewman. No, Garrus knew who to blame and that was Shepard herself.

Why did she have to be so selfless? Didn't she know better? She was the only one on that ship that mattered. Well, that wasn't entirely true, but what she started? The galaxy needed her to finish it. Now that she was gone, Garrus knew that everything she had done would be forgotten and ignored. Politics: Bunch of bull shit. _Or B.S., a_s Lane would have put it. He smiled, remembering her ridiculous refusal to use curse words, something she failed at occasionally. It always had made him laugh, but right now it made his chest ache. He missed his friend.

Garrus played the song again.

What would the galaxy do without Commander Shepard? What would he do? He knew he had to keep up his spectre training, but he couldn't think straight. He couldn't see the next day.

The doors to his room hissed open.

"She always loved that song." Anderson said with a smile. Garrus tried to fake a smile, but failed.

"How you holding up, son?" Anderson asked as he settled on the couch in front of him.

Garrus answered with the shake of his head, afraid of what he would say if he opened his mouth.

"Yea, me too." Anderson sunk back on the couch, sighing heavily. "I remember the first time I ever saw Lane. Not a lot of people know this, but I was aboard the ship that found her after her family was killed. In fact, I don't think she even knows."

Garrus sat back, crossing arms. He was intrigued.

"I can't imagine the hell she went through, but even then, she was strong." He paused, clearly waiting for Garrus to say something. When he didn't, Anderson continued, "She was angry. She had just watched her whole family, all her friends die. But even then, there was a determination in her eyes. She refused to let it shape her, to let her pain and grief and anger control her."

Garrus sighed, he knew what Anderson was trying to do, "If this is some sort of pep talk, thanks, but it's not working."

Anderson leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I assume it's about as bad as what Joker is feeling. He was the last person to see her alive, and blames himself, but you were her best friend. She cared about you Garrus."

Garrus's eyes remained on the floor.

Anderson frowned. "Lane wouldn't want you mourning her for forever. She died a hero, and I don't think she would have it any other way."

Garrus lifted his gaze, and stared right at Anderson, "Lanie was already a hero. She didn't need to prove it." He reached over and restarted the song. The tightness in his chest was becoming unbearable, and Anderson wasn't helping.

Anderson sighed heavily. "I'll see you in an hour, son." He said as he walked to the doors, letting them hiss open before he spoke again. "Don't let this shape you, Garrus. You know Lane would be pissed at you." He smiled sadly, then left Garrus alone with his thoughts.

The song filled the room, chasing away the silence. Garrus listened, singing it in his head, though the voice that sang wasn't his own. Fighting back tears he listened to Lanie sing her favorite song.

_ Well I know what's right, I got just one life…_

…

Tali fought back tears as she made her way to the funeral, walking behind a broken Joker. She felt so bad for him. He blamed himself for what happened, and she understood why. She would have done the same thing, but it didn't make looking at him any easier. He looked terrible. There were dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. His skin was paled and he refused to talk to anyone. She wanted to help. Joker had always been nice to her, always made her laugh.

Tali frowned, letting a few tears fall down. They had reached their seats right in the front row. The stage that was set up on the Citadel was dressed in white: Lane's favorite color. Tali had never understood why white was her favorite color. It was so dull, and uninteresting. Garrus had explained it to her though the previous night and it seemed to fit Shepard. Lane liked the color white because it was pure. It reflected all the other colors instead of absorbing them like black. There was some sort of metaphor in that that reflected Lane's life. Tali understood, but she didn't like to think about it. Lane was the purest person she had ever met. She never pretended to be something she wasn't. She never strove to fit in like Tali always did. In fact, she was everything Tali wasn't. Once again, Tali wished she had died and not Shepard. The galaxy would be better off. She sighed, letting the tears flow freely now. Joker leaned up and pulled her to him. She rested her head on his chest, letting the sadness consume her.

oOo

Joker hated it when women cried. For once, he was grateful he couldn't see Tali's face. He wasn't sure he could take it, hearing her sobs was enough. Joker hated this. This was all his fault, if he had just left the cockpit when Liara told him to Shepard would be alive, kicking ass and taking names. But no. Joker was a stubborn fool thinking he could save the Normandy. It was just a ship: just a stupid ship.

The first song began to play. It was the song Anderson had chosen. He smiled despite the pain in his chest. Anderson and Shepard had the same awful taste in music. They both loved the oldies, like the real oldies. Good 'ol fashioned rock n roll, southern rock, hippy music, that weirdo Elton John… Gah, Joker hated the stuff, but… It fit. It fit Shepard. He tried to remember what this song was. He had heard it once. They were out searching for geth. It was one of the first days, and Shepard was already bored. She was supposed to be writing reports. Instead, Joker had found using her hands as an air guitar and singing along with this song. Joker could barely contain his laughter as he watched. Though she didn't stop dancing when she knew she had been discovered. She simply sang louder and pulled him gently to dance with her. It wasn't exactly the best song to dance too and Shepard really couldn't dance. She was terrible, but she never let that stop her.

Tali sobbed against his chest, and he held her tighter. Poor girl. Shepard was the first person who ever even cared to befriend her. And it was his fault she was crying. He was a fool. A guilty fool. Joker hung his head and remembered his moment of dancing with Shepard to this song…

_Hey baby! There ain't no easy way out!_

oOo

Liara looked around. People seemed shocked by the song playing. It wasn't exactly the saddest Earth song she had ever heard, but it fit. It was entirely Shepard, and it made Liara smile. She just wished it had the same effect on Garrus. Turians were hard to read, but she imagined he wasn't doing very well. He sat in somber silence mouthing the words to the song in-between Joker and her. Liara sighed, she wondered what he was thinking.

It was an Earth custom to wear black to funerals, though those closest to her had worn her favorite colors. White was her favorite, but she had always like black, red, and white together. Her armor was always that color combo, so Liara had found a dress to match it. She had fidgeted with it, wanting to look her best. She didn't know why it mattered, Shepard wouldn't care, but the business she had after the funeral was making her nervous so she had focused on her appearance to distract herself. Something big was happening with the Shadow Broker and Liara was determined to stay on top of it. She just had to get through this. The song ended, and Anderson stood up, time for his speech. Liara watched him closely, needing to focus so she wouldn't cry. She had refused to cry. Tears profited nothing, but as Anderson's voice crackled with sorrow Liara felt her resolve breaking.

oOo

Kaidan bowed his head in regret. He should have waited before he evacuated the Normandy. He should have known that Joker would be hard headed. He should have known that Shepard wouldn't leave till everyone was safe. Why was he such an idiot? Why did he run away like a coward? If he had stayed maybe he could have done something. Maybe he could have saved Shepard… Maybe.

He cringed as he listened to Anderson speak. He spoke of her bravery, of her kindness and compassion. Lane was all those things and more. He had felt something for her. He had wished on many a lonely nights on the Normandy that she was in his arms, close and his. He wished that now more than ever. She never paid his advances any attention. It was like she was completely unaware that he was interested, or maybe that was her way of letting him down gently. He didn't know, and now… He never would. The galaxy was lesser for the loss of Commander Shepard, and Kaidan felt less of a man for not being there to save her.

oOo

Dr. Chakwas held up a tissue to her eyes, catching her spilling tears. She still couldn't believe it. In fact, she had refused to believe it at first. Nothing could take down Commander Lane Shepard. She was the toughest person the doctor had ever met. She was indestructible or so she had seemed. Chakwas had learned over time that that wasn't the case. There were many times when Shepard would come to her late at night with an injury she had acquired during that day. She never let any of the crew see if it was possible. Chakwas was impressed and annoyed with her strength but right now she just wished she was here: being the stubborn, strong, and relentless Lanie she had grown to love like a daughter.

oOo

Anderson let his eyes drift over the crowd as he sat down, an instrumental song starting to play. The crowd was larger than he had expected. He knew Lane had done some good out there that demanded respect, but he also knew she had ruffled some feathers. He loved how Lane was never afraid to do the right thing even if it meant pissing people off. That bit always made his smile.

His eyes fell to a blonde woman with striking blue eyes in the back. Recognition flashed in his mind. He was surprised to see her here, of all people. Perhaps Abigail had forgiven Shepard, or maybe she was here to set the place on fire. Either way, Anderson was shocked. His eyes floated back to the front row, back to the people that meant the most to Shepard. It was an odd bunch, full of clashing personalities and distinct differences, yet… they all worked together well and all respected Lane, even cared for her. He was thankful for that. Lane had lived a life full of regret and sorrow. She carried her failures on her shoulders, never asking for help. When she lost her family on Mindoir the unit on Tuchunka much later, a normal person would have been buried under the stress and survivor's guilt. Lane was different. She rose above it, remembering, but never letting it shape her. This crew in front of him meant the world to her. Each of them was dear to her and he saw their pain as plain as day.

It broke is heart.

Dr. Chakwas was crying while Liara was still trying to hold it together. Joker was holding Tali close as she wept. Anderson knew he felt guilty. He was too hard on himself. Anderson knew that Lane wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing over again if given the chance. He just wished that Jeff wouldn't put this all on himself. He was a good kid. So was Tali. She was a credit to her species, but she was young and soft hearted. Anderson felt the healing process would take some time with her. The same would go for Kaidan. The poor sot thought he was in love with Shepard. Anderson knew better. He wasn't in love with Lane: he was in love with the version of her he had in his head. And he didn't deserve her anyway. He was a good kid, but he wasn't the one for Lane.

Anderson's eyes finally fell to the one who was. Garrus was sitting beside Joker. He still hadn't shed one tear. Anderson felt the worst for him. He imagined losing a best friend felt like the whole galaxy falling down around you. He had decided against telling him how Lane truly felt about him. Missed opportunities would haunt him for forever, and he didn't want that for Garrus. He still wasn't sure if Lane had even realized her feelings for the turian, but Anderson had picked up on them right away. Lane was easy to read, if you knew the language. He sighed sadly, _I guess we'll never know what could have been._

Lane was gone. And everything she had accomplished would be forgotten, or at least the important things would. The Reapers were coming, and without Shepard, the task of warning and preparing everyone had fallen to him. It was a heavy burden, but Anderson would carry it proudly. He could at least do that for Lane. He would do that for Lane.

_Well I won't back down. No I'll stand my ground._

Anderson sang the words in his head with new meaning. Commander Lane Shepard would not be forgotten, and he vowed that the galaxy would be ready when the Reapers came… No matter what.

If only people would listen…


	3. Chapter 3

Bec Note: I just wanted to give a shout out of thanks to my good friend Redlady26! You've been such a great help with this story and just a great friend to nerd out with. Thank you so much! :)

Chapter 3: Cool Points

"Commander Shepard! Wake up!"

Lane cringed. Her whole was body shaking and wracked with pain.

"Commander, the station is under attack. You need to get moving."

Lane opened her eyes only to shut them again. The white light flooding her vision hurt, but not as much as her whole body, especially when she was tossed about like a rag doll.

"You're not fully healed, but you need to get moving. Now."

Shepard leaned up, cringing with pain. She looked around expecting to see whoever was yelling at her. She saw no one.

"Shepard you need your pistol and your armor. Quick wasting time."

Lane shook her head, _am I dreaming? _She stumbled her way over to her the pistol. Seeing the armor, she put it on, wincing in pain at every move she made.

"This gun doesn't have a clip." Shepard said once she was settled.

"It's a med bay." The condescending tone in the woman's accented voice made Shepard want to punch her.

"Come on, Shepard. Someone is trying to kill you, you need to get moving. Dammit, get to cover! The wall's bout to explode!"

Shepard fell to the floor for cover, unable to stand any longer. She felt like death, actually? Didn't she die?

"Hey! Who the H are you and why am I not dead?" She yelled after the wall exploded.

"Shepard there's no time for an explanation. You need to move."

Shepard sighed with annoyance, this person was really starting to tick her off. "Look lady, I'm not in the mood to-"

"Mecs! Take them out." She interrupted.

Shepard grimaced as she moved, stumbling her way to a thermal clip across the room. _I rather be dead._

**…**

Jacob Taylor had told her she wouldn't like the explanation of what had happened. He was right. Lane didn't like this at all, and she didn't like Miranda. The woman was a cold as cold could get it. And she talked to her like an experiment. Lane was trying her best to remain civil.

"We need to run some tests." Miranda said when they had finally gotten on the escape shuttle only after arguing about rescuing people form the station. The thought of leaving someone behind made Lane feel sick.

Jacob shook his head, "Come on, Miranda. That can wait. We need to explain what's going on." _One cool point to Jacob Taylor, _Shepard though idly.

"The Illusive Man can do that, but not before we make sure the project was a success." _Negative 1,000 points to jerk wad, Miranda Lawson._

Shepard growled. She was about to break her no cursing thing. "Hey! I'm not some damn experiment. I'm a human being and right now I need answers. The last thing I remember was dying. Now you wake me up and tell me Cerberus has put me back together and I have some huge mission to accomplish. What the hell is going on?"

Lane studied their faces. Jacob looked sympathetic while Miranda looked cold and annoyed. Shepard didn't care. She wanted answers now, but what they told her almost made her wish she hadn't asked. Shepard couldn't quite get her head around it. She had been comatose for two years. _Two freaking years. _There had even been a funeral. One Jacob had attended out of respect. He told her of Anderson's speech, who had been present, and even what music they played. Shepard felt her heart sink. The only good news was that most of her crew had made it out alive, including Liara, the doc, Tali, and Joker. But they moved on. Everyone moved on. When she asked where her crew was now Miranda indifferently told her to ask the Illusive Man. Lane barely paid attention as the ice queen ran her test, asking questions of her past. She answered them in a whisper, her mind racing with all she had just learned. She couldn't believe it. In fact she didn't. Her conversation with the Illusive Man proved to be just as unnerving. He had no idea where her former crew was, and frankly he was starting to piss her off.

"_If _what you say is true, I'd consider helping you." Lane said when she was done questioning.

"Of course. I'd be disappointed if you accepted any of this without seeing it for yourself." He replied coolly. Lane huffed. He had all the right answers, _the clever snake._

Lane finished her conversation with the Illusive Man then made her way back to Miranda and Jacob. She was beside herself, finding it difficult to even think coherently. Miranda had pissed her off again and admitted that she had wanted to put a control chip in her head. How much work had been done to her? Was she even still human? She pushed her thoughts aside. They had a mission to do.

**… **

The best part of the day was seeing Joker and Dr. Chakwas. Joker acted just like his old self, but there was a shadow in his eyes when he looked at her. She sighed. He probably had blamed himself for her death. Seeing Tali wasn't the happy reunion she had imaged. Her quarian friend was distant and unbelieving. She had even declined her offer to join her. Lane just went through the motions, only snapping out of her trance when the Collectors popped up on the screen on Freedom's Progress. That was just great. Human colonies were being taken by the Collectors who did only God knows what with their was she to do? She had been brought back for one purpose and one purpose only: to fight another impossible battle. No time for rest. No time to find her old crew. Just more fighting. More war. No comfort. Lane felt weak for wanting a moment to catch her breath. She felt weak in general. Was she even herself?

After meeting the yeoman, Kelly Chambers, who was a naïve little redhead… Lane excused herself from the rest of the grand tour. Jacob nodded his head understandingly and gave a respectful solute. _Two more cool points. _Miranda rambled on about needing to get things done and responsibilities. Lane ignored her, but made a mental note of deducting more cool points from her already terrible score. Shepard made her way to the elevator, ignoring the pleasant smile Chambers was giving her. She sank to the floor in the elevator, though she was annoyed at her choice when the doors hissed open seconds later. Grumbling, she pulled herself up and walked around her cabin.

The bed looked like heaven, but Lane wanted to shower first. She felt dirty. She felt… inhuman. Maybe she was a zombie. Her mind briefly flashed to the old horror flicks her father used to make her watch. They were old, like way before Earth even knew about aliens. She always enjoyed them though. The zombies shuffled slowly through the streets in search for brains. Shepard decided she must not be a zombie: she had no desire to eat brains and she wasn't bitten. She had been spaced. Maybe she was like in Mary Shelly's _Frankenstein_: a reanimated corpse stitched back together with science and lightning. The thought made her shiver as she began stripping herself of her armor. She threw it aside, not caring where it landed. The monster had been left on its own, learning from books and observing humans. _Well, _Shepard thought, _I did wake up on an examination table with no one around. _She quickly pushed it aside, deciding she was being ridiculous. She wasn't a zombie, and she wasn't Frankenstein's monster.

She stared at herself in the mirror of her bathroom. Her face was covered in glowing red scars. They lined her thinning cheeks and looked terrible against her terribly pale skin. She used to be tanner, not dark by any means, but she at least used to look healthy. Her hair was shorter, way shorter. It used to flow down her back when it was down. Now, she couldn't even put it up. It just barely reached her shoulders. Shepard realized she had probably lost all her old hair when she died. This was grown over the past two years. It was the same color though: her unusual brand of strawberry blonde, including dark reds, browns, and blonde strands. Garrus had always liked her crazy hair, or fringe has he called it. Her chest hurt when she thought of him. She pushed it aside and went back to inspecting her body.

Her eyes were the same blue, dark and striking. Her face, though pale, scarred, and thin still held her freckles as did her body. Her eyes traveled down further and she realized her scars didn't just stop on her face. They were everywhere. Little cracks of red ran all over her abdomen and chest. Lane traced them with her fingers. Her thighs and legs were the best. Very few scars were visible there and someone had shaved her legs, or _lasered them, whatever._ Her body shape was the same, if a little thin and weak. She felt weak all around. She doubted she had got much exercise while she was sleeping, or dead… or whatever. She made a mental note to see if this new Normandy had a workout room, she was going to need it. Her eyes found her heart shaped birth mark settled on her right hip. She idly wondered that if clones were _exact_ copies. Would a clone carry a birthmark from the original? She pushed it aside, and decided you can't clone someone's personality. That was all still there. She felt like her, sort of. She talked the same way, thought in the same sarcastic manner, and even moved the same way. Maybe she was her, just an updated version. _Shepard 2.0._

She shook her head and smiled weakly at her train of thought. She hated how ridiculous she was being, but she had to check. She turned around and looked at her back and bottom. They looked the same. Her bottom still held the same curve, but she could see her spine in her back. She really hated how small she had gotten, how out of shape she felt and looked. She turned back around and noticed that her breasts seemed smaller. She grimaced. Her bust was the best thing about her body. She shook her head, feeling stupid for being upset over her dumb chest. If she gained a little weight she would be fine. She just had to remember that.

She sighed and looked away from the mirror. Lane turned the shower on but stopped before standing under the water. She stared at her scarred hands, remembering much of her body was the same way. An old cartoon image popped in her mind of a doofy looking animal with smoke coming out of their ears. She tentatively put her hand under half-expecting to see sparks. She saw nothing and decided once again that she was being stupid. She wouldn't short-out because of the cybernetics in her. They were already surrounded by blood and all sorts of watery liquids. She was being stupid. Shepard bravely stepped into the shower and sighed. No smoke.

After a long shower, Shepard changed into some black sweat pants and a gray tank top with a Cerberus emblem on it. She huffed with disgust. Why Cerberus had to put their symbol on everything was beyond her. Shepard's stomach rumbled with hunger. She really didn't want to go down there and face any more people today or meet any more new people. She looked at her clock, it was late. Maybe no one was down there. She always hated keeping time on a ship.

Shepard slipped on some house shoes and got in the elevator. She went two floors down, where the mess hall used to be and hoped it was still there. Shepard tip-toed her way around the corner only to regret it. Jacob Taylor was sitting in the mess hall by himself sipping something in a white mug, with yet again, another stupid Cerberus logo on it. He looked up and smiled and Shepard briefly thought about dashing away then thought better of it. She smiled back and walked to the cabinets with the intent of eating whatever she found first. It would seem a pack of peanut butter crackers and some beef jerky would be her meal tonight. She got a bottle of water and sat down in front of Jacob.

"I could cook you something if you'd like." He offered with a smile.

"No thanks. I don't think I could stand the waiting." She smiled again than added a thank you.

Jacob was clad in the same wear as Shepard, comfy causal. She felt slightly more comfortable around him now that he was out of his Cerberus uniform.

"I suppose this is all pretty hard for you. Like a slap in the face." He commented thoughtfully.

Shepard really didn't want to talk about it, but she didn't want to seem like a jerk either. She was his commanding officer. If she was cold and distance he would lose faith in her. A leader had to have a connection with their crew. She nodded, "You could say that."

Jacob leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, "I just wanted to say what an honor it is to work with you, I just wish it was under better circumstances."

Shepard nodded again, uncertain of what to say. Plus she had a mouth full of jerky. She was quiet for a long time. She chewed slowly, wishing to have an excuse not to speak for as long as she could. Eventually, she had to speak. "So, what made you join Cerberus?"

Lane sighed internally with relief at her choice of question. Jacob was willing to talk and the more he talked, the more she didn't have to. She was surprised at his career in the Alliance and agreed with his reasons for joining Cerberus. As much as she hated to admit it, if Cerberus were the only ones doing anything she would have joined too. He told her of how everything had hit the fan when she died. Everything she had sought out to change and do fell on deaf ears. The Council was too concerned with making diplomatic relationships to even take notice of missing colonies. Lane was furious. Ambassador Donnel Udina was obviously a bad choice. An hour had passed as Jacob caught her up on what had happened the past two years. She was thankful for his kindness and understanding with her current state. He never pushed her to talk or made her feel out of place. _Ten more cool points, s_he thought as they said their 'good nights'.

Shepard made her way back to her cabin, sitting down at her private terminal and reading up on the dossiers the Illusive man had sent her. She also stumbled across a message from Anderson. She smiled widely. Seeing Anderson would make this crazy situation slightly better. Getting on the extranet, Shepard searched for the Beatles. She downloaded a playlist of songs to her omi-tool and pushed play, letting their harmonies sing her to sleep. _Blackbird singing in the dead of night. _She sighed, hoping her mind would shut off so she could get to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a long day.


End file.
